


Warriors: Pimps of the Forest

by SpoonWhisker



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Badgers, Crack, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Gen, Ghosts, Horrible warriors crack, Lots of Drugs, Lots of Pimps, Lots of Sex, M/M, Multi, Non-StarClan Ghosts, Offensive as fUCK, Other, Sorry Not Sorry, Star Cat, Star Dreams, Warriors crack, catnip, no, pimps, probably the worst warriors crack but does that stop me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:34:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4234059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonWhisker/pseuds/SpoonWhisker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a butiful ficz i writed one dae when i had a very inspirations</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some pimps

"SQUIRRELFLIGHT!" Bramblestar called for his deputy.

"For fucks sake, Bramblestar, what is it now?" Squirrelflight ran into the leaders den with lots of annoy all over her face.

"I was wondering..." Bramblestar squinted loud and thoughtfully at the rocky wall of his den.

"Yes?" Squirrelflight asked all super annoyed like.

"I was wondering if I should change ThunderClan's name because it kinda sucks and I'm getting really fucking bored of the same thing every day and it's annoying as fuck." Bramblestar confessed and kept squinting thoughtfully and he swished his tail around like a flag. Or like a tail, since the clan cats didn't really know what flags were.

Squirrelflight didn't say anything but she too started squinting thoughtfully and loudly at the wall which she realized was covered in weird black and weird green bugs. "What the fuck are those?" she asked with lots of confuse and disgust all over her face.

"How does BrambleClan sound t'you? I mean Thunderstar named the clan after himself right so why can't I be a self-absorbed prick too? Or maybe I should name us.. hmmmmm" Bramblestar trailed off into his thoughts and swished the bugs off the wall with his fluff flag tail. They got super pissed and started trying to bite him but before they actually got through his fur he swished them away with his swishy flag-like fluff tail.

"Brambs you fucking ignored my question you motherfucker" Squirrelflight hissed n pissed at him.

"Don't fucking call me brambs or I'll legally rename you to Squirrelanus" Bramblestar spit angrily. Saliva went everywhere, especially on Squirrelflight which made her super mad and she hissed n pissed at the leader again.

"What are the bugs" Squirrelflight asked again, her voice filled with extreme annoy.

"I D K maybe like ants or something but they're gone now so fuck off don't you have deputy shit to do?" Bramblestar squinted at Squirrelflight and raised an eyebrow.

"No I made that bitch Ivypool do it." Squirrelflight squinted back. "And what the fuck does 'I D K' mean? Is that another one of your 'pimp ass leader shit that's none of your fucking business you squirrel ass' kinda shit or what?"

Bramblestar gave her a look of super annoy and was all like nuh uh motherfucker in her face. "I am your fucking leader you will bow to me no matter what it is that I say, bitch."

Squirrelflight pissed but it missed Bramblestar and hit the wall and scattered some more of the bugs that were slowly returning. "Anyways, what's up why did you call me here?"

Bramblestar considered telling her why and dismissing her because he came up with the fuckin greatest clan name fuckin ever but Squirrelflight smelled like super good and Bramblestar was instantly aroused so he didn't dismiss her. "Let's have sex" Bramblestar crouched and then pounced on Squirrelflight and started fucking her with the force of a thousand cats.

"Why" Squirrelflight asked, but it was too late. She was pregnant now.

When Bramblestar removed himself from the other cat, his huge wiener was so red and swollen it stretched and popped and blood and skin flew everywhere and he screamed in pain and terror but hey at least he got Squirrelflight pregnant right am I right. He would need to ask StarClan for a new wiener.

"Ugh Brambs I feel so goddamn fucking good but now that you lost your giant dick I gotta find a better mate. Cya, Brambs" Squirrelflight left.

"But ur fucking pregnant u bitch I won't allow u to leave me I am leader all hail Bramblestar" Bramblestar threw his red and bloody popped wienerskin at her. And then he realized that the bitch had called him brambs again. Twice. Which meant he would have to rename her. In fact, he also just thought of the perfect name for their kit...

"All cats old enough to make kits except that motherfuckass Berrynose get your pimp asses over to this here pimp ass rocky shit!" Bramblestar yelled so fucking loudly and lots of cats gathered around. Berrynose frowned and then he shit and flung the shit into the crowd. It landed on that bitch Icecloud who was so extreme pissed she left to go throw the shit back at Berrynose. They fought a lot.

"Guess what my motherfuckers!" He yelled with awesomeness.. "I have so many announcements you're gonna lose your fucking shit!" He yelled. "First off, you know how we've been called ThunderClan for like a million fucking years? Well I'm done with that shit. From now on we're gonna be called PimpClan because we have all the pimps amirite?" Bramblestar yelled all pimp like at the crowd.

Everyone cheered and screamed and yowled and started being their true pimp selves. Several cats began partying like true pimps which made Bramblestar very proud. Finally he would unleash the pimps on the other clans and turn the world to the pimp lifestyle one cat at a time. Or several, who knows. Bramblestar coughed very loudly. "I'm not done you fuckers. Squirrelflight, you are now Squirrelanus and I'm prenaming your kit to Wienerkit! Heir to the throne of pimpss" Squirrelanus frowned. "Wot if there are many kits"?? Bramblestar frowned and squinted towards Purdy. "Tf r u lookin at" Squirrelanus squinted also. Bramblestar nodded in Purdy's direction. Squirrelanus got it. They would be Purdy feed.

Everyone cheered loudly and one cat raised their tail. "What the fuck's a throne?" it was Cinderheart who asked the question.

"A sign of true pimpness of course, dumbass." Bramblestar replied instantly but he didn't really know and Squirrelanus stuck her anus in Bramblestar's face. A giant shit went into the tabby's mouth. Bramblestar tried to spit it out but the shit was stuck in his pimp teeth now and he would have to wait until later to get it all out.

Squirrelanus left to go hunt or something and Bramblestar, feeling accomplished, went to go party with his pimps.

Lionblaze walked up to him all high like. "Hey Braaaaambs" he choked, obviously super high on catnip. "Sup ma pimp ass fake dad?"

Bramblestar ignored the use of his nickname because it only bothered him when Squirrelanus called him that for some reason and bro-pawed his fake son. "Yo, Lionblaze, you know where to get that catnip shit?" he asked, realizing how long it had really been since he'd last had any kind of catnip.

"Aw yea Brambs I got mine from ma bro bro Jayz" Lionblaze pointed his tail towards the bush beside the medicine cat den.

"I knew he was hiding that shit somewhere" Bramblestar went over to the bush. "Jayfucker get out and gimme some 'nip"

Jayfeather shyly peeked out of the bush and slowly creeped out. "P-pardon, Bramble-chan?" he asked, a blush filling his face and he raised his huge tail which was bigger than the rest of his body to shield him.

"Catnip. Jayz. Hello." Bramblestar waved a paw at the other cat.

"O-oh, r-r-right of c-course, Bramble-chan." Jayfeather stopped staring, lowered his tail and sunk back into the bush to grab a bundle of catnip.  
"H-here my senpai" he handed the huge super delicious smelling catnip bundle to Bramblestar with his huge fluffy tail.

"Thanks, Jayz u da man" Bramblestar took it and held it with his strong pimp tail. "And B T DUBS ur fuckin hawt Jayz bai" The leader galloped off into the leader's den.

Jayfeather's face went so red and his tail bushed up so that it was incredibly fluffy. He didn't know what 'B T DUBS' meant but this could be a sign. Maybe his fantasies would come true! He would have to consult StarClan tonight. Jayfeather dreamily sunk back into the bush, his thoughts only of the super pimped out cat who he had once thought to be his father.

Bramble-Chan...

Bramblestar wasn't lying when he said Jayz was hawt. Especially with his huge ass tail. Bramblestar was so into tail kink. And fluff kink. He wasn't even sure if Jayz's tail was real I mean. Come the fuck on. Who has a tail that can grow to like two times the size of their body when fluffed up. Bramblestar chewed some of the catnip, but he spit it out because the taste was ruined by the shit that was still stuck in his teeth, so Bramblestar went to go wash it out. After he washed all of it out he ate more catnip and it was fantastic and he wondered what it would be like to fuck Jayz but then remembered his dick exploded and it would be a while before he would even try to contact StarClan again after half of them decided to prank him and make him think he died a whole fucking bunch so he wondered what it would be like for Jayz to fuck him and cover him with that huge fluffy tail of his.

Bramblestar spent a long time chewing his catnip and slowly getting higher and higher, in fact it nearly sundown or sunup or something he didn't know oh look flying cats when suddenly some asshole decided to interrupt his beautiful chewing session and his hallucinogenic high.

"Haay Braaambs....." Lionblaze but no it was a real lion went over and looked at the catnip. "Wwwhoa you have smore whoa you pimp ass can I have some?.?.?" Lionblaze moved around the catnip, tripping over his own paws and tail. and his mane was all flowy like. Bramblestar knew he didn't have a mane but I guess now he did. He was also a lot bigger which was impossible since Bramblestar's den had a pretty low ceiling but now it was high enough for Lionblaze so whatever. He considered giving catnip to Lionblaze but there wasn't much left. Although who knew how much Lionblaze still had access to. What if this was now his only source of catnip? Lionblaze was terrifying when completely sober ever since Firestar died.

"Yo you are a pimp ass so I guess have some." Bramblestar said. But Lionblaze wasn't that much of a pimp ass. Bramblestar was just afraid of what would happen if wasn't high every second of his life.

Lionblaze took the catnip and left and Bramblestar's den shrunk back to it's original size. The bugs were gone now, and Bramblestar slowly fell asleep to the absence of bugs on the wall.

• • •

Bramblestar woke to Squirrelanus shouting his name all loudly like.

"For fucks sake, WHAT IS IT" Bramblestar yowled with the anger of a thousand cats at her.

Squirrelanus ran around like a lil bitch screaming her squirrely anus off. "THE KITS ARE COMING AH JAYZ HELP THEM OUT OF MY VAGINA!!"

Bramblestar looked at her like she was the dumbest cat in all the clans because she actually was. "I only fucked you yesterday, bitch."

"O M S YOU'RE RIGHT" Squirrelanus slowed down and eventually stopped running. "False alarm, y'all I'm just taking a shit." she stuck her ass out and groaned loudly as a huge shit was forced out of her anus. It sunk back in a little, but Squirrelanus's anus powers were too much for it and it eventually all came out. There was only a little bit still stuck inside her asshole which she could feel squishing around, but that was normal for any cat. She enjoyed feeling tiny pieces of shit squish around at the edge of her asshole and carried on with her life.

Bramblestar politely picked up the giant piece of shit and carried it out to the secret fresh kill pile behind his den where Ivypool brought him the first kills of the day every day and he picked out a nice robin. The dark tabby stuck a paw inside the robin's throat, stretching it out, and once it was completely stretched he forced the giant hard shit into it and carried the bird back to his den.

"Squirrelanus!" he called for his mate. Squirrelanus appeared with confuse all over her face. "Why are you bringing me food that's what mates do."

Bramblestar nodded at her with duh all over his face and pushed the robin towards her. "Uh yeah how dumb are you, bae?"

"What the fuck brambs I'm with Berrynose now" she spat in his face, making Bramblestar wince. "Only he calls me bae coz he's mah bae" She gave the leader a face.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Bramblestar dropped into a sadness crouch and he wailed in agony and flipped the stuffed bird at Squirrelanus before almost drowning in his own pathetic sadness tears but he got up and ran away like a lil bitch.

He needed to stop this bullshit.


	2. Many pimp

Dovewing woke up to the sound of moaning coming from outside the warriors' den.

 _What the fuck_ she thought and tried to ignore it but it was pretty impossible considering she started to recognize the moaning voices.

_Ivypool? What the fuck no it's not Ivypool. NO one fucks my own sister but me!_

Dovewing rolled her eyes and tried to fall asleep again but she recognized one of the voices.

_Dustpelt. Definitely. What the fuck that traitor betraying Ferncloud what the fuck she just died what an asshole he said he'd never love anyone else._

Dovewing scrunched up her face in disgust and got up and stretched n shit and went to go yell at Dustpelt for betraying his dead beloved.

The pimped out she-cat walked out of the warriors den like a fucking pimp and followed the sound of the moaning. It sounded like a tom and a she-cat, but one could never be sure. She crouched down and moved slowly towards the noise as she could tell she was very close.

But she wasn't.

Dovewing was following the moaning for a long time until she reached the WindClan border and then she was like what the fuck because why could she hear it back at camp who knows.

The pimp could see Dustpelt's tail now. What a fucker. He doesn't deserve to be in PimpClan.

Dovewing walked like a pimp right up to the cats.

"IVYPOOL?!" She yowled in surprise. It was Ivypool. Her own fucking sister what the fuck.

Dovewing stared blankly at the two cats who continued fucking and moaning because they didn't notice Dovewing yet. Even thought she had pretty much screamed in their faces.

Ivypool was moaning super loud now, and cum started dripping from underneath them. Ivypool was on her stomach and Dustpelt's stomach was pressed to her back as his wiener went inside her and out so much. Dustpelt was digging his claws into Ivypool's back and there were small trails of blood flowing over her shoulders.

Dovewing was horrified at the scene. Now she was really going to kill Dustpelt.

"Not if I kill you first." Dustpelt opened his eyes at her and she saw so much anger and hurt in those depression eyes.

Dovewing took a shaky step back and freaked out. _What the fuck he's pissed oh shit._

Dustpelt thrusted into Ivypool one more time and then pulled out his swollen wiener and _cummed_ all over the place and then he started walking towards Dovewing.

Dovewing kept walking backwards to make it look like she was scared but in reality that would be stupid because she was a pimp and pimps don't get scared that easy come on.

The pimped out she-cat lashed out at Dustpelt with her claws of rage-filled pimpness and slashed right through his shoulder.

Dustpelt hissed as blood trickled out of the wound, and he crouched for a brief moment before leaping at her and tearing at her fur.

Dovewing meowed in pain but she was a pimp so she wasn't actually getting hurt and she just waited it out until Dustpelt seemed satisfied with his work and left her.

"Uh, hello bitch I'm not done with ur sorry ass." Dovewing sassed at the older tom.

Dustpelt ignored her and went back to raping Ivypool without even looking at Dovewing.

Ivypool's eyes were closed and she just happened to have a really bad cold so she didn't smell or see Dovewing and she didn't even know that Dovewing was there.

Dovewing went over to Dustpelt and took this as an opportunity to shit on him, but the shit went RIGHT THROUGH HIM.

"HOLY SHIT!" Dovewing screamed. "IT'S GHOST SHIT!" she gasped loudly and screamed again.

"That's right." A voice came from behind.

"Who you be, my pimp?" Dovewing regained her cool pimpness and raised a brow at the strange catlike figure.

"I am- What the fuck you know who I am, bitch." Firestar stepped out of the shadows.

Dovewing gasped all like _whaaat_. "FIRESTAR YOU'RE ALIVE?!?!?!"

"Das right. Ah I'm so happy to see my pimps finally express their true pimpness. I could never lead a pimped out clan.. I'm so proud of Bramblestar for making PimpClan complete." Firestar smiled and tilted his head until it fell off but it just disappeared and reappeared where it belonged. "Anyways, Dovewing, I'm here to tell you that you can't join StarClan."

Dovewing gave him a look of _ur so dumb_. "Uh I don't want to dumbass I'm not even dead what are you stupid?"

"U do know ur powers are gone right?" Firestar asked with a look of even more ur so dumb.

"Uh you do know all true pimps are invincible? Lionblaze was the immortal one anyways bitch." Dovewing sassafrassed at him.

Firestar looked at her for a while and then shook his head. "ANYWAYS, ur dead and u can't go to StarClan. You'll have to live as a ghost forever. This is your punishment for being born with powers instead of Hollyleaf. Hollyleaf was way cooler than you and all the cats in StarClan love her way more than you. That's why you will be a ghost. So you can see how much we all hate your fucking guts, Dovewing. Farewell, you motherfucking disgrace for a pimp. You are no true pimp. You will burn in the ghost world. Fuck you." Firestar walked away until he disappeared, leaving Dovewing behind with the two fucking cats behind her.

Dovewing turned around and saw her body lying in a heap of blood and guts on the ground. "FUCK HE WAS RIGHT I AM DEAD." She hissed and yowled and screamed n shit until she remembered that the Dark Forest might still accept new members. Especially after the battle. But that was what her sister was into, and Dovewing was all like HELL NO I'm not stooping so low as to copy my sister that's bullshit. She's bullshit I don't even know why I wanted to stop Dustpelt from fucking her brains out. He can go ahead and wreck her sorry ass for all I care.

Dovewing walked away like a fucking pimp, still curious as to why Ivypool and Dustpelt were fucking so close to WindClan territory, but it was probably so they could make the dumbass WindClaners so jealous of their awesome sex. But Dovewing knew their sex wasn't awesome. She could find so much better at camp. Then she realized something.

_Holy SHIT now I can watch cats have sex all day and masturbate to it YES THIS IS THE BEST!!!_

Dovewing loved watching cats have sex as long as they didn't violate any of her other rules like

_no sisters fucking anyone other than me_

_no Dustpelts_

_no cat-eating bugs like the ones poisoning everyone back at camp_

and basically anything involving badgers like that fucktard _Midnight_ and her gang of pedophiles.

Dovewing knew they were pedophiles. She just knew it.

The pimp-ass feline kept moving towards camp, her paws stepping all over the ground so pimp-like and she walked with perfect posture for such a pimp. Even as a ghost, Dovewing was the pimpiest of all warriors. Not just warriors- all cats! Nobody could even think about challenging her, not even Firestar. He was a fucking bitch who fucked the fucks of fucking fuck that fucking bitch what a fucking loser asshole motherfucker.

Dovewing realized she was home now and walked through every cat but then she was bored and tired but she couldn't sleep as a ghost for some weird reason. It really pissed her off, so she then decided she would attempt to communicate with these pimped out bastards through the moon pool shit.

"JAY Z" She yelled as high-powered and majestically and starlike as possible but the med cat ignored her cries of notice me senpai and continued sorting catnip from catmint.

Dovewing gathered as much power as she could and stuck the catnip pile with a starlike paw and the catnip scattered everywhere. _Holy shit I made it move what the fuck am I the Star Cat???_ Dovewing had come to the conclusion that StarClan was ruled by a higher force which she called the Star Cat who decided when cats enter StarClan, when they leave to be forgotten forever because nobody cares about them anymore, and whether cats keep their memories when being reborn, entering StarClan, leaving StarClan, or being born for the first time. She also decided the Star Cat had the power to decide things like the color of a newborn kit's coat, eyes, etc. and whether they're a pedophile or not, and whether they like to literally fuck themselves, whether they dislike themselves for any reason, whether they can breathe or not, whether they want to kill themselves, whether they can see or smell n shit. Yes, the Star Cat decided all that. It was like They got to customize every cat as soon as they were created. Dovewing prayed to the Star Cat every night. She prayed to Them with hopes that someday her sister would want to fuck her like she dreams every night, she prayed to Them with wishes to become the next Star Cat, she prayed to Them for Dustpelt to die. Especially after she saw her sister, who happens to be her FUTURE MATE, banging him.

Dovewing watched the catnip scatter across the den and Jayfeather was all like HOLY FUCK WHAT THE SHIT as he danced around the den like a motherfucker. Dovewing rolled her eyes at his extremely un-pimplike behavior and swatted him with her way pimpier tail. He freaked out at that too.

"HOLY SHIT WHO WAS THAT WHY ARE YOU STEALING MY CATNIP FUCK YOU GOD I- I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE JUST TAKE THE CATNIP AND LEAVE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE I CAN'T LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO YOU AGAIN PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE PLEASE" Jayfeather started crying uncontrollably and he flailed around all over the floor of the den and tears went everywhere.

"Holy, shit Jayz." Dovewing star-talked. Jayfeather yelled some more and screamed and flailed and he cried like a bitch. Dovewing knew cats liked to tease Jayfeather and call him a fag every now and then but she didn't know they would rape him. He only expressed his love for Bramblestar every day and night by gathering brambles and praying to StarClan while eating the brambles and screaming his wishes for Bramblestar to love him back in the middle of camp in the middle of the night waking everyone up and making them hate him more each day. Yeah, Jayfeather was a pretty huge fucktard. What a motherfucker. Dovewing was now very mad at Jayfeather for being such a fucktard.

"You're a fucktard, Jayz." She spat at Jayfeather and left the den and the wailing cat to his catnip shit and she went to go see how Squirrelanus was doing.

"SQUIRRELANUS?" Dovewing poked her head into the nursery and star-yelled. She got no reply. What the fuck was I thinking, why would she be in here after what Purdy did to the other kits. And then she remembered. Oh yeah, Bramblestar wanted Purdy to take all but one of her kits once they're born and then- yeaahhh I forgot about that. Dovewing star-yelled for Squirrelanus again.

"What the fuck? Who's that?" came a voice from the darkness of the nursery.

Dovewing make a huge what the everloving fuck she knows my voice face but then realized she probably sounded different through star-speak so she politely scrambled down into the depths of the nursery cave and wandered around in search of Squirrelanus.

"Squirrelanus where are you?" Dovewing whimpered into the darkness. The nursery was still scary to her, even as a warrior. She remember when she was just a kit and Purdy had tried to consume her and her sister after they turned two moons old.

"Who are you, you sound like a badger!" Squirrelanus's voice reached Dovewing's soft pimpy ears.

The prophecy cat was super turned off at this. "O M G HOW FUCKING DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO A PEDO LIKE THEM HOLY SHIT" she screamed.

"Dovewing is that you?!" Squirrelanus yelled from her deeper position in the nursery.

"UGH SQUIRRELANUS YOU FUCKING FUCK." Dovewing yelled with all the insult she could muster into her star-voice. Being compared to a badger? A FUCKING BADGER? BY HER BFF SQUIRRELANUS OF ALL PIMPED OUT FUCKS???

Squirrelanus walked into the light of the dying sun shining into the nursery. "Dovewing what are you doing here?" she asked. "Aren't you supposed to be with the badgers now anyways?"

"wot" Dovewing looked at Squirrelanus with the confuse of a thousand cats.

"Um yeah, don't you remember? Bramblestar? You? Clan meeting? Earlier today?" Squirrelanus duh'd at her and Dovewing felt very stupid right now for not knowing something that Squirrelanus knew.

"I've spent all day following rapists and dying, bitch," Dovewing hissed n pissed at Squirrelanus. "I was at no such meeting. Not today, not ever. Now kindly fuck the fuck off." Dovewing talked like Star Cat Themself because she knew she was of higher pimposity than Squirrelanus, and anything Squirrelanus said could be countered with a simple "fuck" from a pimp like Dovewing. But still, Dovewing was polite since Squirrelanus had been her friend ever since the ginger cat had saved her and Ivypool from Purdy. UGH, thinking of Ivypool reminded Dovewing of earlier and she hissed n pissed in disgust.

Squirrelanus sympathetically pissed on Dovewing and rolled her eyes in apology. "Dovewing, you were banned from PimpClan for not being pimpy enough anymore. What are you doing here? AND WHY CAN'T I SEE YOU???"

Dovewing was freaked the fuck out. NOT PIMPY ENOUGH? HOLY SHIT. She was the pIMPIEST OF ALL CATS. Saying otherwise was against the FUCKING WARRIOR CODE. HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHE WAS SO MAD. SHE IGNORED SQUIRRELANUS'S LAST QUESTION AND RAGEFULLY LEFT THE NURSERY.

I NEED TO GO SEE BRAMBLEFUCK. BRAMBS. HE HATES BEING CALLED BRAMBS. I'LL CALL HIM BRAMBS FOR FUCKING EVER FOR THIS HE WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH IT HOLY STAR CAT THAT FUCKING FUCK WILL PAY DOVEWING THOUGHT WILL THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND CATS AND SHE STAR-STOMPED OVER TO THE LEADER'S DEN. CATS IN THE CAMP WERE CONFUSED AS TO WHY THE GROUND WAS RUMBLING ALL OF A SUDDEN. THEY DIDN'T KNOW DOVEWING WAS A GHOST AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PIMP ENOUGH TO STAR-STOMP. DOVEWING SQUINTED AND HISSED N PISSED SUPER LOUD AT THE THOUGHT OF ANYONE THINKING OF HER AS ANYTHING LESS THAN THE MOST PIMPED OUT CAT IN ALL OF HISTORY.

"BRAMBS!" SHE STAR-SCREAMED AT THE LEADER WHO WAS PASSED OUT WITH CATNIP ALL OVER HIS FACE. BRAMBLESTAR INSTANTLY FREAKED THE FUCK OUT BUT HE CALMED DOWN AND LOOKED AROUND WITH CONFUSE ALL OVER HIS FACE AS HE SAW NO CAT.

"BRAMBS YOU FUCKING FUCK WHY DID YOU BAN ME" DOVEWING SCREAMED WITH THE FORCE OF A MILLION CATS AT THE FUCKTARD IN FRONT OF HER.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" BRAMBLESTAR CALMLY SPOKE BACK TO HER AND WAS STILL LOOKING AROUND FOR ANOTHER CAT. WHAT A STUPID FUCKER, HOW DID HE NOT REALIZE THAT IT WAS DOVEWING. AND THAT SHE WAS A FUCKING GHOST. AND THAT SHE WAS SO MUCH MORE OF A PIMP THAN HIM WHAT A FUCKING FUCKER HE HAD NO RIGHT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT BANISHING HER.

DOVEWING'S RAGE BURNED SO MUCH SHE EXPLODED AND EVERYTHING TURNED INTO HER BRIGHT GREEN CUM.

 

Dovewing woke to the sound of Squirrelanus screaming. It was something about kits coming. She heard Bramblestar say something about only fucking her yesterday and Squirrelanus took a shit or something. Dovewing blinked a few times before she realized she was alive again. What the fucking fuck. She was so fucking confused, but whatevs. She got up and didn't stretch because stretching is for little non-pimp fuckers who needed someone to fuck them just so they could breathe and then tear apart their own insides from the inside. She poked her head outside and suddenly felt very weird.

Her eyes fell on Bramblestar. FUCKING FUCKER were her only thoughts as she pimp-asslike rage walked towards her fucking nemesis.

"BRAMBLESTAR YOU FUCKER I'M NOT LEAVING YOU FUCK I'M SO MUCH MORE OF A PIMP THAN YOU IT'S ILLEGAL TO BANISH ME SO DON'T EVEN TRY YOUR WORD ISN'T LAW YOU KNOW WHAT IS? PROSTITUTES. PROSTITUTES ARE LAW THEY DO SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU OH YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD I KNOW SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST IN THE CAT WORLD WELL OH HO HO HO HO I KNOW MUCH MORE THAN YOU YOU FUCKER." Dovewing rage ranted at him and pimp was all over her fur. So much that nobody could ever deny her rights as a true pimp.

Bramblestar looked at her with so much confuse. "What the fuck. I never denied your pimpness. Whats a prostitute???"

Dovewing hissed n pissed at the leader. "UH DID YOU FORGET WHAT JUST HAPPENED??? (my mom's a prostitute remember??? thats how ivy and i were born?????)"

But Bramblestar ignored her. He was too busy reminiscing on his past life as a professional RiverClan prostitute. They did weird things like that. They also had professional porn makers whatever the fuck that meant.

Dovewing got a realize in her mind at that fucking moment.

It was a dream.

NO, A VISION.

THE STAR CAT HAD GIVEN HER A FUCKING VISION.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait till I can look back at this as an adult.
> 
>  
> 
> pffwhoamikiddingillneverbeanadult


	3. Wiener

"Haaaaaai Jay-chan" 

Jayfeather blinked a lot before realizing who was before him. 

It was Leafpool.

Just kidding it was his one and only Bramble-chan.  
Jayfeather squealed with all the desu in his heart and walked up to greet his lover.

"B-Bramble-chan??" he squeaked out like a pathetic little field mouse. "Is it really you???" he asked.

Bramblestar raised an eyebrow so high it exploded and left burn marks on Bramblestar's forehead but they disappeared because Bramblestar was so fabulous. The tabby reached down and whispered into Jayfeather's ear. "Jayz please fuck me until your wiener explodes."

Jayfeather got really blushy but there was a problem. "But Bramble-chan I want you to fuck me!"  
He whined like a lil bitch.

"No, Jayz." Bramblestar shook his head like a pimp swags. "I am leader. You will do as I say."

But Jayfeather didn't want his wiener to explode. "But B-B-BRAMBLE-CHAN WHY??"

Bramblestar squinted ferociously. "Because Squirrelflight popped my wiener." 

 

Jayfeather woke up fucking terrified. "I HAVE TO KILL SQUIRRELFLIGHT!" 

 

• •

 

Bramblestar was minding his own business and not at all stalking that fucker Berrynose no not at all how could anyone possible even imagine that I mean- OH MY FUCKING SILVERPELT DID HE JUST LICK HER?!?  
Bramblestar had lots of rage. So much rage his wiener would be red and bursting with wianger if he still had one.

"BERRYNAZ" BRAMBLESTAR YELLED LIKE PISSY ASS PIMP!

Berrynose was all like 'oh FUCK' and backed away from Squirrelanus immediately.  
But then his eyes squinted super squints and he growled at Bramblestar.

"Dis ma bae now" he said. "You be leavin ma pimp. Dis ma bae"

Bramblestar was super duper mad at this and he hissed n pissed all over Berrynose's sweet white ass. 

"What the fuck Bramblestar you got piss in my asshole." Berrynose complained to the leader, but it was no use. Bramblestar had already left. Berrynose was very confused and he blinked a lot. Then he went back to making out with Squirrelanus.

Bramblestar walked away like a pimp. I mean, of course that goes without saying because he was the leader of motherfucking PimpClan. But he was walking away like a pimp and then Jayfeather came from out of no where and crashed into him. Jayfeather's super duper fluffy tail was everywhere and in Bramblestar's face blockin his sight so he couldn't fucking see.

"JAYZ!" Bramblestar shouted like a boss. "THE FUCK MAN???" he screamed like a motherfrickin bitch.

Jayfeather got up all embarrassed like. "BRAMBLE-CHAN I AM SORRY DO NOT RAPE ME LIKE THE OTHERS HAVE!! or do..." Jayfeather seemed to be thinking so Bramblestar pat the other cat's ass with a giant pimp ass paw.

Jayfeather's eyes widened to the site of wienerskins. "Aah B-Bramble-chan!!" he seductively arched his back and moaned.

Bramblestar was super confused. He just pat Jayfeather's - oh. His ass. Right. 

"Sorry Jayz I ain't got no wiener to fuck you with right now."

Jayfeather shrugged. "That doesn't mean we can't have sex... I MEAN IF YOU WANT TO SENPAI" Jayfeather desu'd at his senpai.

Bramblestar was super turned off at the idea of having sex without his wiener. His special lil buddy.. "I- GODDAMN IT JAYZ NO!" 

Jayfeather frowned. "No? Ohh not here? Of course!" he smirked seductively. "This is kinda... out in the open.. isn't it?" he whispered, slowly moving closer and closer to his senpai.

"JAYZ." Bramblestar pushed the medicine cat away and ran off to the leader's den.  
Jayfeather sighed sadly and seductively pouted all the way to the moon pool where he began to dig. He finished digging and pulled out... A STICK!  
He threw the stick into the moon pool and began chanting something that sounded like nothing.

Suddenly, a weird glowy figure appeared. It was Spottedleaf.

"Spottedleaf!" Jayfeather meowed. "O, Goddess of sex and sexual attraction. Please help me!" he begged. Spottedleaf raised a brow as if to say 'go on..'

Jayfeather pouted seductively. "NO MATTER WHAT I DO BRAMBLE-CHAN WILL NOT LOVE ME!!" he sobbed. "I NEED TO BE SEXY WITH HIM AND I NEED HIM TO SCREAM MY NAME WHEN I COME!!!" 

Spottedleaf shook her head sadly. "Bramblestar will never like you I'm afraid." she meowed sadly. "He only likes sexy she-cats like me. I could easily seduce him and fuck the fuck out of him. But YOU?" she was all like nono in Jayfeather's face. "SORREH JAYZ HE WILL NEVAH BE YOURS. IN FACT, NO CAT WILL." 

Jayfeather felt tears prick his eyes. It hurt because the tears were extremely salty and stingy. This made him start crying a fuckton. "B-But!"

Spottedleaf turned into a fiery demon "NO YOU FUCK. STARCLAN HATES YOU AND YOUR DESU SHIT. G T F O!" and she disappeared.

Jayfeather sobbed. "I JUST WANNA EAT SOME ASS!"

• •

"Yo what up bitch?" 

Bramblestar blinked and turned around. It was Lionblaze.

"HOLY FUCK" Bramblestar yelled all startled like.

"C'mon Brambz, gimme dat catnip. I know you got it." Lionblaze said all impatient like.

"U know I ran out like yesterday." Bramblestar scoffed all pimp like at his fake son.

Lionblaze rolled his eyes and left like a lil bitch. "Whatevs I'll get some from Jayz."

Bramblestar nodded. "Just watch out.. he's very horny today." but Lionblaze was already gone. Whatever. 

Bramblestar decided it was time to go reclaim his popped wiener. He snuck out the back of his den and went through the super duper secret tunnel that lead to the moon pool. It was dark when he got there. Well, it was dark the whole time. Cats are nocturnal. Bramblestar frowned in super disappoint when he saw that Jayfeather was there. 

"BRAMBLE-CHAN!" Jayfeather sobbed and ran into Bramblestar.

Bramblestar pushed him down a cliff and went to go resurrect the Genicat, the StarClan cat chosen to help mortals with their genitalia.  
Bramblestar put his paw in the water and soaked it thoroughly. He then rubbed his soaked paw all over his bloody crotch, wetting the dried blood so it dripped down. A ghostly cat suddenly appeared. It was Goosefeather.

"I KNEW IT WAS YOU." Bramblestar hissed n pissed at Goosefeather.

"Yes." He croaked all slut like. "I am the Genicat. Now. What do you need."

Bramblestar rolled his eyes and pointed at his crotch. "Um hello?" 

 

Goosefeather squinted at Bramblestar's bloody crotch and waved his paw.

Bramblestar looked at his crotch and.. his wiener was NOT there. The blood had been cleaned away and his crotch was completely healed except his nee wiener was a bright green. "THE FUCK." he said. But Goosefeather was already gone. 

Bramblestar was very upset and he started to walk away super duper slow and sad like. By the time he reached camp it was sun-high and everyone was dead. I mean sleeping. Bramblestar flopped over in his mossy bed and picked up his old non green wienerskin and looked at it sadly until he fell asleep with only one thought on his mind. "Fuck I forgot to actually banish Berrynose fuuuck....."

• •

"HAHAHA ITS ALMOST COMPLETE." An evil sounding cat voice was all like.  
"HAHAHA SOON HE WILL WALK ONCE MORE."


	4. 420 speshul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y did i ....

squirrelanus was going to the medicine cat den for a medicine and she wakled along like a motherfukin pimp ass motherfuker. Her legs swayed and her tail waggld as she walked towards the medcine cat den. She saw that BITCH Bramblescramble sitting at the top of camp and singing to her.   
"YO!" he shouted. Squirrelanus locked up at him. His eys were red veind and green flashing and glowing all colorful n shit.

Squirranus was hypnatizzled but she was also not a dumbass so she clawde her eys out to avoid further hypnatizzleation.

Brmablestar looked disappointed . probably. 

shit. "well now i have to get my eys back ugh" Squirrelanus sighed and kept wakled to the medicine cat den. She knew it was right in front of her. 

Jayfeather was there. "O - ho ho!!!!" Jayfeather purr-screamed. "lookY lookety LOCK!" he hissed happily and danced around.

Squirrelanus was SO MAD. "JAY Z" she hissed n pissed at her fake son. "u keep doin that and ill FINISH WHAT I STARTED!" 

Jayfetaher was confuzzled. "wot u mean??!" 

Squirrelanus was pleas. "i meen i will mak the rest of u just as non funktional as i mad ur eys"

JAYFEATHER HISSED N PISSED HE WAS SO MAD. "TA FUK U DID THAT TU ME??????????" his animu eys cried giant animu tears. 

"yes " squirrelanus said politely. "Now fix mien"

Jayfeather was quiet. then he gave her a piece of medicin. Litl did she know it was. weed!!  
"whatever. at least u will never take my eys completely."

Squirrelanus took the piece of medicin and left the medcine cat den. She went to the nursery where the other queens were hangin and she brought her medcine and sat down in her nest and ate it. 

~~~•~~•~~•~~•~

"yAWN" squirrelanus woke up. It was the next day. Her belly was way bigger with bereynoses kits. "YAY IM SO EXCITED TO HAVE THESE KITS AAAAYYYY" she danced aroubd sprayig piss everywhere. All the other queens were very big and their bellies were strecthed out so far they barely had the room to breathe.

"Yo u about to have ur kits!!!!" one of the queens screamed.

Suddenly there were kits. The queens were gone. The kits all scrambled for squirrelanus's belly, their claws reaching out and scraping against the thick belly pelt (or BELT LMAO HAHAHAHAHAH) of squirrelanus.

Squirrelanus defended herself by hissing and pissing at each and every one of the tiny small kits. They hit the back wall of the nursery, dead.

Squirrelanus escaped the nursery, but when she exited the den there was no one there. In the middle if the day there was no one in camp.   
Squirrwlanus yowled but it came out a mere quAck and she was very frustrated. So frustrated he trees started melting into the ground and the sky turned bright red. Squirrelanus saw ashfur's  
face in the skye and he was singing the same son bramblestar was sunging.

"OH MY GRATE!" 

"SQUIRELY QUEEN"

"PLEASE COME BACKKK TO ME"

squireleanus snorted and her snot flew out of her nose and hit ashfur who flashed red for a sexond.

"U CAN CALL ME BRAMBS"

"I LOVE U"

"UR ASS IS SO TIGHT AFTER SHITTIN" 

Squirrelanus blushed a lil bit and the trees started dancing to the song.

"IM SORRI MY DICK EXPLODED.."

"I GOT IT BACK BRAND NEW"

"NOW U CAN FUCK ME"

"AND I CAN FUCK U <3"

Squirrelanus relaised the face had turned back into brambs while he was singing.

"SQURELANUS" he wasnt singing anymor

squirrelanus blushed a lot.

"WILL U"

she blusehd ..

"SMOKE THE MARIJIWANA" WITH ME?" brambs finsiehd his proposeal.

Squirelanus crid a lot

Brmablestar handed her a blunt. He was next to her now.

She smoked the best marijiwnana evr with her brambz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry lol


End file.
